


Mermaids Don't Have Assholes, So How Do They Shit?

by goresmores



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, Merman Lance, Smut, Xenobiology, Xenophilia, human keith, lance has a tentacle dick yall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 14:41:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8017975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goresmores/pseuds/goresmores
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>im an awful human being and ive done almost nothing but draw this mer au where they have tentacle dicks because i need jesus and i dont know where the nearest church is located, so i cant find him either</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mermaids Don't Have Assholes, So How Do They Shit?

**Author's Note:**

> keith and lance fuck at 12 am against a big stretch of rocks with just hope and a flashlight ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Keith waded out into the water, feeling the waves lap against his waist, even through the cotton of his shirt. 

The moon was bright and he was more than a little apprehensive because at night he couldn’t see where the seaweed chunks were to avoid them, and he shivered as a cold clump brushed against his elbow. 

Stupid Galveston and its stupid dirty ocean water. And if random clumps in the water wasn’t enough, Keith had to step over a wall of seaweed just to get to the water.

“Lance!” He whisper-hissed as he got to the point where the water was well above his bellybutton. 

He waited for a response, but one never came. 

“Lance, I swear to God, I will leave right now and you’ll have to touch your own weird merman dick if you don’t come out.” 

There was a splash from behind him and Keith whipped around, defensive because he wasn’t sure if he’d been followed or not. He immediately slapped at whatever or whoever it was, almost regretting not bringing his knife with him.

“OW!” Of course, it was Lance, rubbing his cheek with a webbed hand. “You know my skin is wet! Why would you _slap_ me?!” 

Keith dropped his defensive form and reached out to his boyfriend. “Sorry. You know I’m used to having to fight. I don’t know why you keep trying to sneak up on me…” He pulled Lance’s hand away from his cheek and kissed it. 

Lance turned his face so and pulled Keith back after the kiss to get him good on the lips. “Because I think it’ll be funny, but every time I think you remember that the only person who’s gonna jump you in the ocean is me, you end up hitting me in one way or another. Seriously dude, you’ve _gotta_ lower your guard out here.” 

Keith wasn’t really sure how to tell Lance that he wasn’t sure that was possible so he opted not to, instead dragging the mer with him somewhere where Keith _wouldn’t_ get scraped and scratched by seaweed chunks. 

“Always with the dragging! I have a tail, Keith! Let me use it!” 

Keith rolled his eyes. “Why do you always complain so much? Do you complain like this when you’re underwater too?” 

Lance sped up and swept Keith off his feet, his merman strength impressive. “Nah, I reserve the complaining just for you.” He pressed kisses to Keith’s neck, accompanied by little pricks of the sharp teeth he hid behind his lips. 

Somehow, Keith had a hard time believing that, but he didn’t bother to call Lance’s bluff. 

He let his arms wrap around the mer’s neck and hummed as he kissed him, easily disregarding the bit of teeth that made its way into the kisses. 

“Do you even know where we’re going?” 

“Uh, of course I do, _Keith_.” 

“The rockwalk, away from the light.” 

“See, I knew it.” He said, sounding as if he had in fact known that. Lance finally started propelling them forward and toward their destination. 

He didn’t know it, and Keith knew it, but he was used to it by now. Lance often didn’t want to admit where his knowledge of things fell short, but with the culture gap as wide as it was, it happened more than the mer probably liked.

Lance made quick work of the distance between where Keith had entered and where the rockwalk was, and let Keith up and onto the rockwalk so he could grab the flashlight he’d stashed in a dry spot earlier. 

“I got it.” 

“Nice! Bring it down here so we can get spicy.” 

Keith edged down the decline with the flashlight, trying not to slip or drop it. “Did you just say ‘get spicy’ about having sex?” 

“Yes. Shut up.” 

Keith let out an amused puff of air as he made his way down. 

“Why did I need this again?” He asked, keeping it off for now in case there was attention that could drawn to them with it.

“So you know what you’re dealing with, obviously. If I don’t know anything about your junk why would you know anything about mine? Your lightstick—”

“Flashlight.”

“—Was necessary.” 

He was insistent on calling it a ‘lightstick’, even though Keith had told him the proper name a number of times now. It was a bit irritating, but then again, that was Lance for you. An irritant, yet somehow weirdly charming. 

“Is it really that different?” 

He could make out a shrug from the mer in the light of the moon. “I can’t say for sure but if you’re human and I’m mostly a fish I’d figure they’d be different enough.” 

Keith stopped just where he could sit down and not be completely submerged but also close enough to Lance. 

“Wanna turn it on now, or—?”

“Sure.” 

Keith turned it on and Lance lifted himself up and onto one of the rock chunks near Keith. 

With the ray of light shining on them now, Keith could see Lance’s flushed face. 

“Are you embarrassed?” 

“No!” Lance flushed deeper and threw a webbed hand over the irregular looking patch of scales that Keith had noticed before. Him asking Lance about it was what led them to where they are now. 

That is, sitting on rocks in the ocean with a flashlight at 12 am, preparing to whip out their dicks. 

Lance couldn’t really look at Keith, so he faced away as his hand massaged the area. The scales parted as a blue tentacle of all things wriggled its way out of the opening. That wasn’t all there was to it, though. There was a small, empty looking section just below it and Keith leaned forward, bringing the flashlight with him to get a better look. 

Inside the part that wasn’t occupied by tentacle was a small looking section that looked somewhat similar to human labia majora, except more purple-ish looking.

Lance quickly leaned away. “Why are you getting so close?!” 

Keith looked up at his face and shrugged. “Aren’t I supposed to look at it?” 

“W-well yeah but not like—” Lance pushed him away a bit. 

Keith was confused. “So does that mean I’m not supposed to touch it?” 

“What?! No- you should _definitely_ touch it, it’s just— when you’re _that_ close… with your _face_...” 

Keith flicked off the flashlight. “Well how else would I put it in my mouth?” 

“Your _mouth_?!” 

“Yeah? Is that not a thing merpeople do?” 

“Well, I mean… there are some creative people out there but…” Lance shook his head. “I don’t wanna talk about this until you show me what you’ve got goin’ on down there.” He pointed a brown-ish blue finger at Keith’s crotch.

Handing Lance the flashlight, Keith slid down a bit, lifted his hips and pulled down his swim trunks to reveal his half chub. 

“ _Ew!_ ”

“Ew?! Coming from the guy who had an actual tentacle snake out of a weird cave in his scales?!” 

“Yes, ew! It’s all… pink and fleshy!”

“It’s a _penis_ , Lance! I thought you were ready for it!” 

Lance flailed, “One, don’t say the ‘P’ word, and two, how could I ever be ready for _that_ thing?!” 

“You’re making this a way bigger deal than it has to be!” Was Keith dating an _actual_ child?

“No I’m not!” 

“You totally are! Look- just give me the fucking flashlight before I jab you with my elbow.”

Lance handed him the flashlight, mumbling something about thankfully not having to look at Keith’s dick before he let his hand settle next to his own. 

Keith was not ready in the slightest for it to wrap itself around Lance’s hand, but he was more than ready for the little noise Lance made when it did. 

It went straight to his dick and Lance was looking at him right when it got that much harder. 

“Oh my _God_.” 

“Please don’t—”

“So it doesn’t just stay all weird and limp!” 

Keith threw his hands up just a bit to portray his exasperation and mild confusion. “Obviously?? What good would a noodle do someone?” 

“That’s what _I_ was wondering. Does it come with any other surprises?” 

Keith looked down. “I guess?” Semen is probably one salty surprise if you’re not used it. “That depends. Do you know what semen is?”

“Sea men?”

“No, without the space.” 

“Oh. I don’t think I know what that is? Or maybe I do but I just don’t know the human word for it.” 

Keith sighed. “It’s not ‘the human word’. We’ve already been over this…” 

Lance waved his free hand dismissively. “Right, right. English and Spanish and French and all those other ones you tried to name.”

“Yeah. And considering you’re almost completely fluent in Spanish I would’ve thought you’d remember that by now.” 

Lance groaned. “It’s not _my_ fault human languages are complicated and so different come from merspeak. The only reason I know English and Spanish are because people who speak those languages throw a lot of beach parties around here.”

Keith had to admit that picking up words and phrases from people on the beach and boardwalks was an interesting way of learning languages on Lance’s part, but right now Keith was impatient and wanted to get down to the reason he was even here already. “Right, well. Can we continue with what we were trying to do now? Basically, semen is just the word for when you touch yourself,” he motioned to his dick, “enough that like-” Ugh, this was embarrassing to be explaining “-stuff comes out. Do you understand what I mean by that?” 

“Oh! Okay! Yeah, mers do something similar when we’re trying to have kids and like, one of them lays eggs and then the other-” He abruptly switched to incomprehensible clicks and squeaks. He finished proudly. 

“Uh-huh.” Keith didn’t catch any of that last bit. “Sure. As long as you get the concept then we should be fine.” 

“Good! So then, are you gonna do the thing with your mouth, then?”

Keith smacked his own forehead. 

“That depends- are you gonna be weird about my face being close again?” 

“Nah. We just got done talking about semen and I just told you how merpeople have kids, I’m so over your face being near my dick now, or at least, mostly.” 

Fucking incredible. 

“Here, take the flashlight again, then.” Lance relieved him of it and Keith pulled his swim trunks up again, afraid of accidentally letting his dick and a rock get closer than would be comfortable. 

After he lowered himself down, Keith kept himself afloat by holding on to the rocks and putting a good amount of weight on Lance’s muscular tail. 

“Just a warning, it uh- it gets excited.” 

And just like that, Lance’s dick reached out and touched Keith’s face. 

It was wet with saltwater and slid along his cheek, just nearly brushing his earlobe. 

Keith was unamused. 

“Did you do that on purpose?” 

“What?! No! Look, I promise! It really just kind of does what it wants? Like, I can reign it in but it’s sort of _really_ hard to do??” Lance lightly bonked his forehead with the flashlight, “Does that make sense? I don’t think that makes sense… I don’t know how to explain it because I’ve never had to before.”

Figuring it’d make about as much sense at it could make coming from Lance, Keith greeted his boyfriend’s tentadick with with tongue. 

When he did so, he could feel the ridges on the underneath against the surface of his tongue. It sort-of tickled, in a weird way. Keith relished in the broken sound that Lance made at the contact and kept trailing his tongue across the ridges, which seems to really do it for him. 

Keith was on guard in case the tentacle tried to delve into his mouth, swiftly avoiding it when it flicked out in search of him, only giving it what it wanted on his own terms. 

He had to avoid Lance’s dick, but at least at the same time he got to enjoy the little gasps, pants and hums of appreciation as he licked and sucked at the base of it. 

Finally, he took ahold of the tentacle with his hand, pumping the length of it up and down, which seemed to sort of sedate the thing long enough that Keith could get his mouth around the slim tip of it, feeling the texture of it against his tongue as he took some of it into his mouth. 

Above him, Lance keened, quickly throwing a hand down and gripping onto a rock to support himself. 

“Holy _shit_ —”

Keith smirked, as best he could around Lance’s dick, and as soon as everything seemed clear to continue (meaning, the tentacle _wasn’t_ trying to choke him), Keith swirled his tongue around the tip and took more of it into his mouth. He was rewarded with a moan from Lance and Keith tried to find footholds so he’d be more stable. 

He moved his foot around, idly working his mouth around Lance’s length, and finally felt his foot slot comfortably onto a foothold. He repeated the same with his other foot and with both of his hands free, Keith brought them up to rub his hands down Lance’s tail. 

It was slimy and smooth to the touch, and it felt a lot like touching a regular fish, except on a larger scale than Keith was used to. He’d done this before, of course, what with the few times he and Lance had made out before this, but it never got old. Keith wasn’t used to it and for some reason he had a weird thing for it that he couldn’t really explain, though rubbing his cheek against the scales and that time Lance pinned him down with it probably have a lot to do with why he likes it so much. Keith shivered at the memory.

When Keith pulled away to look at Lance’s face, he saw that Lance’s ears were wiggling, the little luminescent strings swaying back and forth with the motion. 

Lance’s face was red and his eyes had been closed in pleasure until Keith pulled away. “Huh?”

“What’s the thing below your tentacle?” 

Lance flushed, “The opposite of a tentacle?” 

“Oh.” So he’d been right in saying it looked like labia majora— probably because it almost was, in a mer way. 

Keith’s hand crept closer to the part in the merman’s scales. “Have you ever put anything inside?”

“Kind of? I’ve only ever done tentacle stuff with other people… But only ‘cause I’ve tried there myself and it never really did as much for me as I hoped it would.” Unsure of how else to react to the news, Keith gave the mer’s hand an awkward sort of pat. 

“Did you just pat my hand?” 

“I’m trying to let you know it’s fine. And I’m sorry, I guess? That it doesn’t do much for you.”

Lance shook his head, grinning a bit. “It’s whatever, y’know? That kind of thing happens a lot, it’s not exactly some big bummer. Besides, it’s not like I’m completely out of commission.” He set the flashlight aside and tugged Keith into his lap. Keith fell into a slightly awkward straddle, his knees being pressed against the fairly rough surface of the rocks beneath them and he tried to steady himself against Lance’s chest. 

Lance had noodle arms but with the strength he seemed to have, Keith figured he could probably bench press a small boat if he really wanted to. “You like that you’re weirdly strong because you’re a merman, don’t you?” 

“Absolutely.” Lance slid a hand under Keith’s shirt, the smooth skin sailing up his abdomen and towards his nipples. He used the webs between his fingers to tease at them as his mouth closed in on Keith’s neck, moving the collar aside and purposefully letting his incredibly sharp canines drag against Keith’s skin. 

Keith hooked his arms around Lance’s neck and let his head loll to the right so the mer had space to nipple and suck, unable to actually bite Keith without leaving a pretty concerning wound behind. 

Necking often gave Keith time to think about how he might not actually mind if Lance really did bite him, the thought appealing to his masochistic side, but at the same, it’d be a bother to take care of, so nips and nibbles would have to do. 

“Should I just take my shirt off? I don’t want you to stretch out the collar.” 

Lance sighed dramatically. “I mean, I _guess_. Humans with their shirts and their pants.” He shook his head.

Lance removed his hands and Keith took off his shirt with a roll of his eyes, tossing it somewhere behind Lance on the rockwalk, only partly caring about whether it got wet or not. Wet was one thing, but a stretched out collar was another.

“You should probably lift up too, it looks like your land snake wants out of its cage.”

“Please never, for as long as both of us are alive, call my dick a land snake ever again.” 

Keith flicked his nose when all Lance did was laugh in response, earning an “Ow, okay! Just don’t flick me anymore.” 

Lance’s shoulders provided support as Keith lifted himself up and Lance tugged his trunks down. 

“Living free and in the wild.” 

Keith let out an exasperated “ _Lance!_ ” as he sat back down on his boyfriend’s lap. 

“Right, right, fine. Now how do I work this thing?” He asked, hand gesturing to Keith’s dick. 

“It’s not too different? Except it doesn’t move on its own, it can’t curl and if you-” Keith took Lance’s hand and led it to the head, guiding his hand to wrap around it but leave his thumb on top “- swirl your thumb there it’s—” Lance cut him off by moving his hand and Keith let out a noise that sounded like a cross between a whimper and a moan. 

“You okay there, Keith?” 

“Yeah, you just- you caught me off-guard.” 

Lance raised an eyebrow. “Off-guard? Mr. Guarded Mullet Man?”

“That was far from clever. And yes, okay, so I managed to let my guard down.” It was actually a little amazing, or at least it would be, if Lance would drop whatever it was he was trying to do. 

Keith pressed his forehead to Lance’s and let his eyes fall closed. 

“O-oh.” Lance still had his hand around Keith’s dick, and Keith opened his eyes for a second to see how surprised the merman looked. 

Lance wasn’t used to Keith being tender, since really, Keith _wasn’t_ too tender. He’d grown up screaming and fighting, was rough around the edges and wasn’t the best with emotions and physical affection, but he was starting to get some of that stuff, with help from Lance. He didn’t exactly melt in your arms, but he was about as soft as he could be, for someone who always had a knife on hand and wouldn’t hesitate to use it. Lance got to thinking for a second, before deciding that Keith and his knife would be an adventure for another day.

Lance gave Keith’s dick a pump before he let his own loose, the tentacle immediately going to wrap around Keith’s dick, giving Lance free hands to cup Keith’s cheeks and kiss him hard and full on the lips. 

The two of them got to focus on kissing and nipping, the occasional moan when Lance’s dick did something just right for them. 

His tentacle had curled around Keith’s dick, managing to pump his dick and even tease at the head at different times that it always had Keith gasping into kisses. 

When they pulled apart next, Keith asked, “Are you sure you don’t have control over that thing?” It was doing magic down there and Keith had reason to doubt what Lance had said earlier.

Lance heaved in a breath. “I told you it’s weird- and I don’t have all the words for it. Like, just thinking about doing something doesn’t really work, it just… somehow sort of knows what I want, I guess…”

“So it’s more of a subconscious thing?” 

Lance gave him a why-the-fuck-are-you-asking-me look and said “I guess?” He shrugged.

Ugh, what the fuck even _were_ merpeople? Tentacle dicks and weird merginas, scales and fins and speaking in their weird-ass clicky-chirpy language. 

Keith only nodded to get that he understood, focus shifting from Lance’s weird junk to his shoulder. 

“I’m gonna bite you.”

“What? I’m not some sort of sexy fish soup, Keith. You have to _ask_ before you get a mouthful of some of this.” 

Keith huffed, “Okay- _can_ I bite you, Lance?”

Lance snickered, “I don’t know, can you?”

Annoyed, Keith leaned forward, simply said, “That’s it, I’m biting you.” And dug his teeth into the flesh between the mer’s neck and shoulder. Lance yelped and stiffened, but after a moment, Keith felt something wet and the weight of Lance’s abdomen as he went slack. 

“Did you just come?” 

Lance replied with a tired, “Shut up.”

Despite the fact that he’d obviously just came, Lance’s tentacle worked to pump Keith faster than before until Keith couldn’t help but buck into the smooth grip of it, his release building, until finally he came, getting his spunk on Lance’s junk and even on his boyfriend’s stomach. 

“Wow, is that how that works? It _shoots!_ ” 

Keith put his hand over Lance’s face, getting an angry and confused “Hey!” as pushed the other backwards a bit. 

“I need to wash my dick.” He slid backward off of Lance’s tail and into the ocean water, jumping nearly a foot in the air as a clump of seaweed brushed his asscheek. 

After that, Keith made quick work of getting his shorts cleaned and back on before that nasty ass ocean grass could find its way to more intimate areas. 

Lance swam up, once again clean and wrapped his arms around Keith’s waist. 

“Are you gonna stay for awhile?” 

“I don’t know. I can. Is there something you wanna do?” 

“We could lay down on the rocks for awhile and hold hands…” 

Keith pulled Lance’s arms from around his waist and let one drop, holding the other. “Sure, we can do that, then.” 

So they went back to the rockwalk and laid on their backs, staring up at the night sky together, holding hands and going back and forth with one another as Keith pointed out different stars he could see and remembered the names of. 

They both sort of agreed that the sky was weird, but that if given the chance, they’d like to go up and there and get a better look at it. It all seemed so far away from down here on Earth. 

“Would you wanna live up there, though?” 

“No way, man. The ocean is my home. Vacations and moving are two totally different things, and I know— I’ve done both. I was born off the coast of Cuba, but we moved over here later, for whatever reason. I didn’t understand why at the time, because I was really young, and my parents still won’t tell me. I can’t really say I like it here any better, because I miss Varadero Beach a whole lot, but there are perks, I guess. I can’t really think of any perks that come with living in space, though.”

Keith considered what Lance had told him, and guessed that made sense. 

When it was time for Keith to head back home, Lance turned on the edge of the walk and called out to him. 

Keith turned around, one hand in his pocket and the other holding the flashlight out. He responded with a questioning, “Huh?” 

Lance made two clicks and a cooing noise, smiling at him, soft and almost like he was anxious about saying it. “I love you.” 

Keith felt a bit of embarrassment rise up. Keith returned the smile and tried his best to imitate the double click and coo noise, not quite reaching Lance’s pitch, since Keith had a deeper voice and wasn’t used to speaking mer in the slightest, but Lance lit up nonetheless, and it made Keith’s heart flutter in an unfamiliar way. 

“But uh, goodnight, Lance.” 

“G’night, Keith.”

**Author's Note:**

> hmu @dogmemes420 if you wanna talk abt merheadcanons. or anything, really


End file.
